A Little Judge Judy Floor Plan Porn

BUYER: Judge Judy
LOCATION: Fifth Avenue, New York City, NY
PRICE $6,750,000
SIZE: 3,150 square feet, 2 bedrooms, 2.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Over 3,000 square feet of fully-renovated, divinely unique corner masterpiece on 11th floor plus 150 square-foot maids room on 6th floor. The gracious layout includes a 2 bedroom, 2.5 bathrooms with a beautiful wood paneled library. The exquisite living room is sun splashed all day with southern views of Fifth Avenue and Western views of Central Park...

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Thanks to the new gal named Chloe Malle who now pens the New York Observer's Manhattan Transfers column–the always entertaining Max Abelson moved on to other, greener journalistic pastures at the Observer–we've learned that judgmental Judge Judy Sheindlin recently closed on a pied-a-terre at The Sherry-Netherland, one of Manhattan's most aristocratic Fifth Avenue hotel and apartment towers.

Interestingly and perhaps as a sign of the rather grim real estate times, Miz Sheindlin's new nest at The Sherry-Netherland was first listed in October of 2008 with a guffaw instigating asking price of $15,000,000. The price tag quickly dropped to $13,500,000 and then again to $9,995,000. After being removed from the market in January of 2009 and then re-listed with a new real estate agent–Manhattan property powerhouse Carrie Chiang and along with a gal named Janet Wang–the asking price stood at a hugely reduced $7,999,000.

It will come and no surprise to anyone who has the stomach and fortitude to watch Judge Judy verbally lacerate some dingbat who banged up his auntie's Monte Carlo and blamed it on the his best friend's baby momma's third cuzzin Clover Promise that the ladee drives a hard damn real estate bargain. After four months on the market at $7,999,000, Miz Sheindlin swooped in and snatched the place up for $6,750,000, a staggering amount of money by any account but, according to our bejeweled abacus, an even more staggering 55% less than the original sky high asking price.

Listing information indicates the corner occupying 11th floor apartment measures approximately 3,150 square feet and contains 2 bedrooms suites, well situated at opposite ends of the apartment, plus a powder pooper. The living room, essentially an expansive 30-foot square space, has desirable and expensive views south down Fifth Avenue and west over the urban oasis of Central Park. Given its proximity to the small but fully equipped kitchen, the 21-foot long, wood paneled library could easily be put into service as the dining room.

Beyond the library/dining room, a second bedroom is lined with built-ins and has a private but unfortunately windowless pooper. As far away as is possible from the second bedroom and situated just off the foyer, the master bedroom encompasses a park-view boo-dwar, a park-view dressing room, a walk in closet, and a spacious park-view pooper with double sinks, a separate shower and a long soaking tub where the gajillionaire grandma can sip champagne in a bubble bath and relish her rare good luck that she manages to make tens of millions of smackers a year as a brow-beating bee-hawtcha on boob-toob.

Listing information reveals that Judge Judy's new digs also include a claustrophobic's nightmare of a staff room down on the sixth floor that measures less than 7 feet wide but does provide at private pooper with a large window.

Other current and past residents of The Sherry-Netherland include Diana Ross–who has been trying to unload her aerie since at least the summer of 2008, billionaire art patron Eli Broad–whose 33rd floor tower unit is currently listed at $10,950,000, candle king Harry Slatkin, tech titan turned art collector and philanthropist Max Palevsky, investment banker Roberto de Guardiola and his interior designer wifey Joanne who reportedly own five contiguous units, big bad Babs (Streisand, natch), George Burns, Jack Warner and Francis Ford Coppola as well as any number of other big bizness barons, wildly wealthy industrialists, and filthy rich financiers.

Judge Judy's other real estate holdings include a penthouse condominium in Naples, FL which cost her $6,900,000 in June of 2005, a second unit in the same condo complex bought in January of 2006 for $2,625,000 and a 6 bedroom and 7 pooper mansion on 6.06 very private acres in swanky and staid Greenwich, CT which records show was purchased in July of 2002 for $5,150,000.

If celebrity gossip doyenne Cindy Adams is to be believed–and we can't think of a single reason why she should not be–Judge and Mister Judge Judy have traded their huge house in Greenwich for a vastly larger 24,000 square foot beast in the Greenwich back country that Ms. Adams reported back in June of 2008 includes 8 bedrooms, 13 bathrooms with gold plated fixtures, 10 hand carved fireplaces, 26 foot ceilings, and guard, gate, guest and pool houses. There is also, according to Ms. Adams, a home thee-ay-ter for 50, a wine cellar, a conservatory, a massage room, play room, game room, a state of the art home gym and an obscenely large master bedroom that, funnily enough, measures 3,150 square feet and features an adjacent "snoring room," an unusual bit of bedroom bizness Your Mama feels certain the Dr. Cooter wishes he had too.

The Julius Shulman House Hits The Market

SELLER: Estate of Julius Shulman
LOCATION: Woodrow Wilson Drive, Los Angeles, CA
PRICE: $2,495,000
SIZE: 3,382 square feet, 3 bedrooms, 3 bathrooms

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: All day long Your Mama has been getting communiques, calls and taps on the shoulder about the renowned architecture photographer Julius Shulman's house in the Laurel Canyon area of Los Angeles hitting the market with an asking price of $2,495,000. We'd love to say we were the first to put something up about it, but in fact the fine folks at Curbed LA beat us to the punch by about two minutes.

Mister Shulman, who went to meet the great photo developer in the sky in July of 2009 at the ripe old age of 98, was perhaps the most famous and accomplished photographer of architecturally significant homes. Over the course of his sixty-some year career he snapped iconic images of dozens of architecturally significant structures including Richard Neutra's Kaufmann House in Palm Springs, John Lautner's Chemosphere in the Hollywood Hills, and Pierre Koenig's Case Study House #22 (a.k.a. The Stahl House) in Los Angeles, arguably the most famous architectural photo ever taken in the United States. Mister Shulman also framed up and photographed of buildings and residences by influential 20th-century architects such as Frank Lloyd Wright, Charles and Ray Eames, Mies van der Rohe and the outrageously amazing Oscar Neimeyer.

In 1947, Mister Shulman commissioned modernist architect Raphael S. Soriano to design a steel-framed residence and studio on a secluded .76-acre lot at the end of a 175-foot semi-private driveway on Woodrow Wilson Drive that backs up to conservancy land, ensuring privacy and seclusion. According to listing information the resulting residence (and studio) measures 3,382 square feet and includes 3 bedrooms and 3 poopers.

Sadly, the Shulman House remains the last unaltered and unmolested residence designed and built by Raphael S. Soriano making it a hot commodity and serious architectural collectors item. According to listing information, the residence retains its original cork panels, flooring, fixtures and hardwood walls as well as extensive built-ins including drawers, shelves, headboards, pedestal beds, bookcases and china cabinets. The expansive living room, according to listing information, has a floor to ceiling fireplace and floor to to ceiling sliding glass doors while the kitchen includes the original cook top, double ovens, fixtures and built in bench seating in the breakfast nook.

The studio, located across a brick courtyard and just 16 feet from the main house, features a built-in desk and cabinetry, a fireplace, private pooper and, natch, a dark room where Mister Shulman developed many of his famous photographs. The indoor spaces bleed into the outdoor spaces through huge walls of sliding glass doors, screened patios.

Much to Your Mama's architecture loving peace of mind, the property was designated a Los Angeles Historic-Cultural Monument in 1987. A hefty handful of images of the Shulman House can be seen here.

photo: YouAreHere.com

Party Prince(ss) David Tutera Lists Manhattan Condo

SELLER: David Tutera
LOCATION: East 21st Street, New York City, NY
PRICE: $5,675,000
SIZE: 4,073 square feet, 4 bedrooms, 4.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: The most stunning renovation you have ever seen, with ceiling heights one foot higher than all the other floors at the Infinity Lofts on 21st Street in the heart of the Flatiron District. This 4 bedroom 4.5 bath condominium with home office also has a fireplace and balcony. Large arched windows in the front bring in beautiful northern light, and there is tons of additional lighting throughout the apartment, as well as sound systems in every room. The kitchen features red lacquered walls and two color ceilings, a red Murano chandelier, brand new appliances and marble counter tops. The enormous living/dining room features all new Venetian plaster walls, tri-color ceiling, gold leafed stone fireplace and all baseboards and trims finished in a gloss mahogany with gold leaf accent....

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Several weeks ago Your Mama hazily remembers reading on the always informative CityFile that celebrity party planner and well-groomed wedding guru David Tutera had bought himself a full-floor condominium on East 21st Street in New York City last listed with an asking price of $4,495,000.

However, we must have been three or four sheets to the wind because Your Mama can't find any reference to Miss Tutera anywhere on CityFile, which is not entirely surprising given that our memory often fails us. Clearly we read that on some other blog or website and just can't remember where. Jeezis Mary and Joseph, Your Mama lost our damn mind long ago and we'd loose our ears if they weren't affixed to our head. What we can dig up on the interweb regarding Miss Tutera's real estate doings is a tidbit in an April 2007 Manhattan Transfers column in the New York Observer that discusses Miss Tutera purchasing a full-floor condominium on East 21st Street in New York City last listed with an asking price of $4,495,000.

Why does any of this matter, the children might inquire? Fair enough, hunnies. As it turns out and after an extensive dressing up of the interiors, Miss Tutera heaved said full-floor condo purchased in 2007 on East 21st Street's Infinity Flats building back on to the market in late October of 2009 with an asking price of $5,675,000. And ooooo-wee babies, you better run and get your box of nerve pills right now because this one is a real damn decorative doozy.

David Tutera, a well-known planner of glitzy and glammy weddings and events for high profile people like Elton John, Barbara Walters and the almighty Rolling Stones, has authored four books on planning parties, including Big Birthdays and A Passion for Parties: Your Guide to Elegant Entertaining. He also recently opened a couple of high end floral and gift boo-teeks called Stem, one of which is located in the basement retail area of The Plaza. The bizzy as a beaver Miss Tutera also hosts his own show on the WE tee-vee channel called My Fair Wedding. Don't none of you marriage minded people take this wrong, but Your Mama would rather be dipped in a vat of honey and left out in the woods for a bear to eat than watch any program on the boob-boob about bitchy brides, emotionally checked out grooms and/or excessively expensive wedding ceremonies. We don't know if Miss Tutera's show features any of those things, but we won't be tuning in to find out.

Now then, let's get back to the meat of the matter and do like the late, great La Wanda Page and, "tell it like it t-i is." Property records we accessed on Property Shark show that Miss Tutera and his man-friend Ryan closed on their condo in December of 2007 and cost them $4,312,500. Listing information indicates the 4,073 square foot condo–prop records show it spans 4,109 square feet–includes 4 bedrooms and 4.5 poopers. A wee look-see at the floor plan reveals there are actually 3 bedrooms plus a media room and a windowless home office tucked up behind the kitchen. Of course, the media room could be pushed into use as a 4th bedroom should it be necessary but we can not in good conscious recommend putting that windowless home office to work as a staff room. Our comfortable accommodations requiring house gurl Svetlana would surely stage a coup or some kind of picketing protest iffin we told her she was going to be living in a dark, windowless box behind the damn kitchen. Ol' Svetlana don't play that way.

Anyhoo, regarding his plans for his new condo, in the above mentioned Manhattan Transfers column Miss Tutera said, "Our kitchen is going to be red—bright, bright, bright—kind of a Chinese red. The living room will be sunset colors, mustard yellow and a chocolate brown. The bedroom will be a buttercup yellow." Let's see how tightly to his original decorative vision Miss Tutera cleaved.

The key-lock elevator opens directly into the apartment, which has more of an entrance hallway rather than a proper foyer. On the floor plan the space is marked "gallery." In houses and apartments that cost more than a million or two, hallways are often called galleries because apparently that sounds more expensive. A wide opening leads from the entrance "gallery" into the 43-foot long living/dining room which features, according to listing information, a gold-leafed stone fireplace, a tri-color ceiling, labor intensive Venetian plaster walls, and high-gloss mahogany baseboards with a gold-leaf accent. For light there is a one of a kind Murano glass chandelier over the dining room table, a bank of large, north facing arched windows at one end and, at the other, French doors open to a Juliet balcony that hangs over the building's courtyard. It appears to Your Mama that Miss Tutera closed off the opening between the kitchen and the living/dining room, which is really, really bad for the apartment's feng shui since it hinders the free flow of the Chi. However, Miss Tutera did, mostly, stay true to his original idea in the living/dining room which has mustard-ish colored walls and a lot of brown accents not to mention a shiny grand piano.

As planned by Miss Tutera, the very contemporary eat-in kitchen is all did up and done over with Chinese red lacquer and, in our humble and entirely meaningless opinion, a little (too much) pumpkin paint. Besides the questionable color choices and those three deeply disturbing upholstered stools bellied up to the breakfast counter, the kitchen itself has a number of nice qualities including sleek white cabinets with towel rack pulls and white and gray veined marble counter tops. We know some of you people are going to fuss about how difficult marble is to maintain in the kitchen and, you're right. But dayum it looks good. Other fine features in the cookery would be the five fab windows, the dee-voon walk-in pantry–a real and true luxury in Manhattan for sure, and Your Mama is rather fond of that glossy orange bizness that extends the breakfast bar and clearly delineates where the cook is meant to cook and where the guests are meant set their cocktails and nibble fancy canapes created from recipes in one of Miss Tutera's how to be a good hostess books.

A long gallery, lined with floor to ceiling windows along one wall and an expensive sounding hand-cut wide stripe silk wallpaper on the other, leads from the condo's public spaces to the more private rooms at the back of the house. Like tidal waters, public and private functions mix and mingle in the exuberantly and arguably over chinoiseried media room outfitted, according to listing information, with an antique Asian cabinet wet bar, surround sound, and a screen and speakers installed on an hydraulic lift. A multi-colored striped rug anchors the space but competes for visual attention with the Chinese red lacquer chain link fretwork and fights with the wallpaper that depicts the Chinese countryside–or some kind of Asian countryside. And what about those ridiculous cloud and sky murals painted into the tray ceilings? Listen closely here now children: Your Mama's decorating rule number 217 states that unless you live in the Forum Shops at Caesar's Palace in Las Vegas, no ceiling shall ever be painted to look like the heavens.

Okay babies, put on your dark glasses now and grab something solid to steady yourself because we're about to enter Miss Tutera's decoratively harassed and over-patterned master bedroom where, according to listing information, an artist was paid boo-coo bucks to hand paint a variety of patterns on the walls and ceiling. Not only is the wall behind the bed papered–or maybe it's hand painted–with a faint but shimmery vertical stripe pattern in lilac and light lavender, the adjacent wall is also papered–or maybe it's hand painted–in an unharmonious manner with a wildly complicated lilac, lavender and purple pattern. Miss Tutera's fetish for lilac, lavender and purple patterns don't end there. Oh no butter beans, not by a long shot. Custom window shades have an angular, geometric pattern that are just about–but not quite–identical to the real hand painted star of the room, a glimmery, geometric lilac and lavender extravaganza Miss Tutera had hand painted on the ceiling.

Listen puppies, Your Mama could have easily tolerated one of these patterns and, in fact, we sort of even like the idea of that geometric ornamentation on the ceiling. However, altogether Miss Tutera's bedroom is like a newly wealthy woman who goes to lunch at the Red Lobster in a beaded gown and dripping in diamonds. It's just too damn much. Maybe he should have stuck with his original notion of a buttercup yellow bedroom. Surely Miss Tutera has put some furniture in the bedroom but, honestly butter beans, we can't get past all those mixed, matched and mis-matched patterns on the walls and ceiling to even notice any of the damn furniture. In addition to the recrementitious paint situation, the master bedroom includes, impossible to keep clean white carpeting, two large large windows, a small closet and a 13' foot long walk in closet, and a private pooper with double vanities and separate tub and shower.

Please don't misunderstand Your Mama. We are well aware that Miss Tutera's lack of decorative restraint has made him enormously successful, his penchant for excess makes for stunning and visually exciting parties and events, and we can appreciate that he went hog wild with the day-core without concern for what might be considered tasteful or Architectural Digest worthy. It is, unquestionably, a very personal space that overcomes the generic quality sometimes seen in apartments that are decorator done, which we applaud. However, as fer as we're concerned, a little restraint with the paint patterns at home would have gone a long, long, loooong way.

Where Miss Tutera is off to next is anyone's guess, or at least not known to Your Mama, but property records do indicate that Miss Tutera and his man-friend Ryan also maintain a country compound on 9 and some acres in East Haddam, CT purchased in November of 2003 for $650,000.

Another big name resident of the 8-unit Infinity Flats building is 20-something year old Mets all-star player David Wright who dumped an even six million smackers on his 4,109 square foot penthouse in August of 2007.

A Preening Park Avenue Penthouse

SELLER: Your Mama Don't Know
LOCATION: 778 Park Avenue, New York, NY
PRICE: $24,500,000
SIZE: 4 bedrooms, 4.5 bathrooms

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Okay puppies, buckle your seat belts because Your Mama going slightly out of our celebrity real estate purview in order to discuss a penthouse apartment in one of New York City's whitest white glove buildings, 778 Park Avenue.

No chickens, were not going to blather on about the late Brooke Astor's 14-room residence on the 15th and 16th floors of the ridiculously dignified Rosario Candela designed apartment tower that was first listed in May of 2008 at $46,000,000 and is still sitting unsold at $24,900,000. Instead, we're gonna rip into another penthouse at 778, this one located on the 18th and 19th floors and recently heaved on to the market with an asking price of $24,500,000. If that eye-popping price don't make y'all want to pull your teeth out from anxiety and flabbergast, maybe the $15,420 monthly maintenance fees will. Lo-ward knows the monthlies have Your Mama reaching for the smelling salts and nerve pills.

Because co-operative apartment buildings in New York City have historically not been required to file property transfer documents–buyers technically purchase shares of stock allocated to a particular apartment and not the actual apartment–and because Your Mama's powers for sussing and sorting out property proprietorship only go so far, we feel we must to confess that we don't have the slightest ideeur who owns this place. But day-um is it ever a New York City damn doozy. We're certain one of the children knows who this 9-room hunk of refined residential fabulosity belongs to and perhaps they'll be so kind and generous as to sneak the name to Your Mama. Come on you Park Avenue kiddies, no one will ever know it was you.

Before any of you children start in on Your Mama about how the day-core looks like the inside of a damn half-and-half carton, recognize that the first thing we'd do is throw some color around the rooms and hang a few choice pieces of artwork, say something like this. Or this. Or maybe one of these beauties. Despite the lack of intense color, and maybe because of, every inch of this place oozes a certain kind of don't wear your shoes in the house sophistication that is certainly not how Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter do up our day-core. Even still, we could quite easily and gleefully slip into that cloud like living room, open to French doors that lead to one of the penthouses five small terraces and spend a few hours with all the latest gossip glossies and our back log of New Yorker magazines we've been meaning to read while the sizzle, crackle, hum and horns of New York City waft through the room like the smell of bacon cooking in the morning.

What Your Mama is really drawn to here, however, is not the elegant and understated–and still somehow not quite finished looking–day-core, but the floor plan, which has Your Mama hyperventilating with desire and real estate envy. It's not often that Your Mama runs across an apartment in a top tier building that induces uncontrollable salivation because, let's be honest babies, Your Mamais not nor will ever be a Park Avenue sort of person no matter how many hideously expensive hot pink boxes of Fauchon chocolate we throw down our gullet.

Anyhoo, we digress...At first glance the floor plan looks like a higgledy-piggledy collection of rooms that barely relate to each other, but upon closer examination we find a complicated yet completely sensible program that is really rather well resolved and successfully separates the public rooms from the private spaces. The public rooms include a commodious but still intimately sized living room situated four or five steps down from the foyer with a fireplace, 12-foot high ceilings, park and city views and terrace access. Speaking of the foyer, this really is one of the better foyers Your Mama has laid eyeballs on in a long time. Call us ka-ray-zee, and we're shore you will, but we rather adore how the utter simplicity and swooping contemporary built-in sofa that wraps around the back wall sets the stage for the (mostly) blissful marriage of this pre-war cougar to a much younger and more modern but still traditionally minded huzband.

The library, located off the foyer and paneled with wood that has a rich red undertone and a bright red over note, acts as the bridge between the public rooms and the bedroom wing. Listing information shows the duplex penthouse includes 4 bedrooms and 4.5 marble poopers. However, from the looks of things it's currently being utilized as a very roomy two or maybe three bedroom aerie with the very privately situated master suite being comprised of two rooms–a sitting room and a boo-dwar–plus two wonderfully windowed poopers and four closets, two of them being walk-ins large enough for all the Lanvin and Louboutins a ladee could want. A guest bedroom with a slim terrace and private pooper completes the bedroom wing and a flex-use space on the second floor above the kitchen can be used as an additional bedroom, staff quarters, gym, yoga studio, s/m dungeon, or etc. Given it's access is through the kitchen, Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter would definitely utilize the space as a home office where we could spend out days tapping our fat fingers to the nubbins on our trusty laptop trying to provide the children with some good real estate meat to chew on.

The one significant beef we have with the floor plan is the lack of an informal eating area and the dearth of windows and natural light in the kitchen, which our imperious, sun seeking house gurl Svetlana would probably have a hissy fit about. Otherwise it's a perfectly lovely cooker with white cabinets lower cabinets and white, glass fronted upper cabinets, wood floors and counter tops that look like they might be a gorgeous, glossy mahogany or possibly copper. Anyone? Bueller? Bueller?

Twenty four and some million smackers is a hell of a lot of money for this or any other apartment, but considering the most recent sale recorded at 778 Park Avenue was in August of 2008 when a 1 bedroom and 1.5 pooper penthouse doo-plex (plus one staff room and bathroom) on the 19th and 20th floors went for $10,250,000, the current asking price may just be in the ball park. 778 Park Avenue, some of the children may recall, is the same hotsy-totsy building where well born wedding and lifestyle guru Vera Wang sold her 14-room, full floor apartment for $33,600,000 so that she could move into her parent's old place at the even more hoity-toity 740 Park Avenue.

Listen Chickens...

Your Mama's trusty laptop computer is giving us the devil today but we're endeavoring to bring you part two of our story about The Carhart Mansion. We apologize for the inconvenience but without the cooperation of our trusty–and apparently sick–laptop our hands are somewhat tied.

UPDATE: We managed to get Part Two of The Carhart Mansion piece out (below), but we very well may be without our laptop for a day or two. We'll keep you posted.

Let It Snow

One of the great things about living in an area with all four seasons is that when you take down the Christmas decorations you can redecorate with winter decor. I have a few plastic bins filled with snowflakes and snowmen that I pull out when Christmas is over. I love to pile snowflakes onto my mantles and shelves,

the more the better! Most of these came from the dollar store or were heavily discounted after Christmas (the best time to buy decorations!).It's lovely to have a little sparkle in my home after the big holidays are through.

Conservative Commentator Glenn Beck Lists at a Loss

SELLER: Glenn Beck
LOCATION: New Canaan, CT
PRICE: $3,999,000
SIZE: 8,720 square feet, 6 bedrooms, 5 full and 3 half bathrooms

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Thanks to Big Dave over at Celebrity Address Aerial, who recently sent Your Mama a most lovely missive, we've learned that the eerily successful, pasty faced right wing crybaby Glenn Beck has listed his family manse in New Canaan, CT with an asking price of $3,999,000.

Mister Beck is, of course, the conservative/libertarian darling of the allegedly fair and balanced Fox News who regularly espouses provocative and sometimes contradictory points of view that include–but are hardly limited to: Believing global warming is a "manufactured crisis"; Suggesting on national tee-vee that the U.S. government is building FEMA concentration camps in an effort to institute a totalitarian state, a statement he has since denied and retracted; And repeatedly putting forward the notion that Obama's nearly dead in the water health care plan is a Trojan Horse designed to make reparations for slavery. Listen chickens, Your Mama does not want to get into a heated political debate because this is neither the time nor the place to do so. However, even though we do actually believe that Mister Beck sincerely thinks of himself as an American patriot standing up for all that is right and good in this country, we'd be lying like a rug if we didn't say that we think 99 percent of what Mister Beck tearfully moans and groans about on the boob-toob ain't nuthin' but a heaping pile of steaming dog poo.

Anyhoo, according to public property records, the former Catholic turned Mormon and his second wifey Tania purchased their 2.87 acre property in December of 2005 for $4,250,000. A few flicks of the well worn beads on our bejeweled abacus reveals that even at a full price sale at it's current asking, Mister and Missus Beck are looking at a $250,000 loss plus the fat real estate fees that will need to be paid. But don't none of you children cry over Mister Becks financial loss because it ain't nuthin' but spilled milk. According to the folks at Forbes, Mister Beck hauled in around $23,000,000 in 2008 and will likely pocket much more in 2009. So, you know, he can well afford to take a quarter million dollar hit on his damn house without anyone feeling the least bit sorry for him because ain't none of his four children gonna go hungry or without adequate health care.

Listing information shows the 4-floor, 16-room Colonial style house was built in 2004, measures a sizable 8,720 square feet–or 11,320 square feet depending where on the listing one peeps–and includes 6 bedrooms and 5 full and 3 half poopers. Your Mama imagines that with 8 damn terlits Missus Beck is either a bizzy little bee scrubbing all them terlits or they've got a part-time minimum wage gurl whose only responsibility is brushing up the bowls several times a week.

Listing photos of the recovering alcoholic and drug addict's lake front mansion are few, but it's really not much of a surprise to Your Mama that the day-core of what we can see runs toward the traditional and the patriotic with herringbone wood floors, a large, antique looking American flag in the foyer, a dignified moss green paint on the walls in the living room and at least 4 fireplaces. We'd bet our long-bodied bitches Linda and Beverly that there is at least one Barca-damn-lounger in the house too.

Other amenities at the well-groomed Beck estate include, according to listing information, garage parking for four cars, four (or more) fireplaces, a full, finished walk-out basement, a second floor laundry facility, and a finished attic space. Given Mister Beck's lightening rod status, we imagine he's had the security beefed up to Fort Knox standards and any of the children who might have the damn fool notion to drive by Mister Beck's house ought to remember that Mister Beck believes whole heartedly in the Second Amendment and, quite possibly, bears arms.

The extensive grounds, which are well surrounded by thick woods for privacy and magnificent fall-time leaf peeping, include an acre or two of meticulously maintained lawns, stacked stone walls and white fencing, an in-ground swimming pool and spa and, in the front yard, a civic-center sized flag pole Your Mama likes to imagine Mister Beck climbing up and sliding down while blubbering like a baby with his trademark, near hysterical patriotic zeal.

Given that they are filthy rich, it's quite possible–and likely–that Mister and Missus Beck own several properties either for personal use or as investments. However, the only other property besides their primary residence in New Canaan that a peep and a poke around property records turns up is an 1,845 square foot house in Fort Lauderdale that Missus Beck purchased in her own name in July of 2000 for $156,800. Where the Becks are headed to is a complete mystery to Your Mama but iffin we were to wager a few dollars on it, we'd guess they're moving on to even more luxurious, private and expensive circumstances.

Let's Have a Look-See at The Carhart Mansion: Part Deux

The Simplex
When compared to the other three multi-floor apartments that comprise The Carhart Mansion, the building's sole simplex unit that occupies the entire fifth floor seems...well...kind of ordinary, dull even. However, let's not let visions and fantasies of epic triplexes, heroic doo-plexes and heavenly penthouses blind us all to the fact that The Carhart Mansion's solitary simplex is unapologetically luxurious, anything but simple, and approximately three times the size of the average American home.

According to the peeps at Property Shark the full floor sprawler is currently owned by Merrill Lynch honcho Do Woo Kim and his wife Aeri who coughed up $12,500,000 for the 12-room residence in October of 2005. According to a previous report, Mister Kim earned a jaw dropping $28,000,000 in 2005 and moved to The Carhart Mansion from a Fifth Avenue apartment he sold in the fall of 2006 for $9,600,000.
According to marketing information, Mister and Missus Kim's simplex measures 6,770 square feet of dee-luxe interior space with another 260 square feet of outdoor space. At the time the Kims purchased the apartment, the simplex contained three bedrooms and 3 full and 2 half poopers. Since Your Mama doesn't really know a pair of glasses from a pork chop we don't have any idea if the Kims made any alterations to the floor plan which may have changed the bedroom and/or terlit counts.

Other than the service/fire stairs and the service elevator, The Kim's condo at the Carhart is only accessible via the building's main elevator which opens directly into the foyer. To the left of the foyer are the living room and library, each with a fireplace and separated by double pocket doors. The children will note that, combined, the living room and library occupy approximately the same amount of square footage as just the living rooms of the Chenault's triplex and the Mehiel's doo-plex, which sorta makes them seem a bit puny, but the children can be assured they are still generously sized spaces.

A straight shot from the elevator lands you in a room labeled "reception hall" on the floor plan and which would make a dee-voon dining room, partick since the original floor plan did not call out any other room for formal feasting. The reception/dining room includes the apartment's third fireplace and an inset terrace, barely large enough to stand around and smoke a pre-desert doobie with dinner guests, accessed through three sets of French doors. Another tiny terrace located directly off the kitchen is where Cook barbecues and the cleaning gurls probably sneak cigarettes in between scrubbing terlits and washing winders.

The apartment's less formal rooms occupy a chunk of space to the right of the foyer. In addition to the gore-may kitchen, breakfast room and laundry facilities, the right wing includes the guest closet and pooper, a passageway cum butler's pantry, and two flexible use rooms that flank a half pooper. The floor plan included with marketing materials labels the flexible use rooms as a "home office" and a "butler's pantry," which might also be used as a live-in staff room.

A long, dead straight hallway leads from the foyer to the apartment's most private quarters, which include two family bedrooms each with private pooper and the master suite. Accessible through two entrances–one door is off the bedroom hallway and the other down a short hallway that shoots off the living room–encompasses a private sitting room with a fourth fireplace, large bed chamber, two dressing rooms and a super-luxe pooper with double vanities, terlit and bee-day, a free-standing soaking tub in the middle of the room and a separate shower that for twelve and some million smackers had better be equipped with steam.

According to property records, Mister and Missus Kim also own a very dignified 5 bedroom and 6 pooper mansion on 4 manicured acres near The Stanwich Club in Greenwich, CT. Records also indicate that in September of 2007 Mister and Missus Kim forked over $6,200,000 for a 4,164 square foot Crosby Street condo in the very same SoHo building where musician turned actor Lenny Kravitz (Precious) has been trying to sell a white elephant doo-plex penthouse since about the dawn of time.

The Penthouse
In November of 2007, media mogul and heir to the Seagram family's booze bucks Edgar Bronfman Jr. snatched up the doo-plex penthouse at The Carhart Mansion for, according to prop records, $18,750,000. As he has done several times in the past few years, Mister Bronfman, Jr. flipped the posh penthouse back on the market six months later with a much higher price tag of $24,500,000. Your Mama is not sure what Mister Bronfman, Jr. and his real estate people were drinking or smoking that led them to think this penthouse had increased in value by 30-some percent in just six months, but think so they did.

Five months later, in September of 2008, along comes dee-ziner shoe queen Tamara Mellon who, according to prop records, paid $20,000,000 for Mister Bronfman, Jr.'s never occupied penthouse flip job at The Carhart Mansion. Your Mama imagines that after taxes, carrying costs, maintenance, and the fat real estate fees Mister Bronfman, Jr. was probably damn lucky to break even on his real estate fickle. But then again, we're not privy to the details of his finances nor do we know a cook book from a picket fence so don't nobody go go around telling people Your Mama said Mister Bronfman, Jr. lost money on this transaction.

Anyhoo, all the ladeez, gayz and metrosexuals–do people still use that term?–surely know that Miz Mellon is the well-bred British co-founder and current President of the Jimmy Choo shoe empire. Social watchers and climbers also know that Miz Mellon married very well in the year 2000 when she hitched her wagon to that of American Matthew Mellon, IV, the playboy heir to a multi-billion dollar family fortune built largely on banking and oil. Five years and one child later, the globe-trotting couple went splitsville and it wasn't long before the soon to be ex-Missus Mellon spilled the dirty beans on their marriage telling the dee-vorce court that Mister Mellon was like a "child in need of a nanny," and that being married to him was, "like having another child." Oh, ouch. She then claimed, through her attorney, that the erstwhile couple remained good friends. Really? Could be but if the Dr. Cooter every let Your Mama's secret cats out of the bag we'd send Heinz over to bust up his knee caps tout de suite.

Miz Mellon went on to sell Jimmy Choo in 2007 for a reported $364,000,000 and moved on from Mister Mellon with a string of high profile men that have included Kid Rock, soft-porn purveyor Joe Francis and, most recently, Christian Slater.
According to listing information we dug up on Street Easy, at the time Miz Mellon purchased her 7,140 square foot penthouse at The Carhart Mansion, it contained 10 rooms including a ballroom sized 800+ square foot living room, 4 bedrooms and 4.5 poopers plus a staff room tucked up behind the kitchen. The entire second level of the penthouse was, according to the floor plan (above), taken up by a 600+ square foot solarium with two exposures, a pantry, and a powder pooper all ringed by a trio of expansive terraces. It's completely unknown to Your Mama if Miz Mellon made any changes to the floor plan after purchasing the penthouse however, according to listing information, the seller–that would be Mister Bronfman, Jr.–included architectural recommendations for an extensive and expensive reconfiguration of the 6th and 7th floor building topper.
According to the recommended floor plan included with the old listing information (above), the newly revamped residence would be transformed into a 5 bedroom and 4.5 pooper penthouse with what appears to be a more modern aspect and a much more sensible and clearly delineated program.

The main entry to the penthouse is via the building's main elevator which opens directly into the entrance hall, which in the new plan would be expanded and the adjacent staircase to the second floor given more visual fortitude. Behind the entry hall, down an unimpressive hall and, sadly, right past the powder pooper, the step down living room and enclosed solarium space would be combined into one vast, Noah's Ark sized entertainment area with a monumental fireplace and access to one of the penthouses many terraces through an elaborate portico held up by a couple delicious and dee-lovely Doric central columns.

In the back of the penthouse's first floor where there were three bedrooms, three poopers, a gore-may cooker, staff room and pooper, the new plan calls for a complete reorganization that would then include four family bedrooms that share two good-sized poopers, a sky-lit play room and, in a portion of the space previously occupied by kitchen, a large laundry facility, a small office–probably best for a house keeper or house manager–and a pooper for the Lucretia the laundress and the other day staff who would more than likely be forbidden from using any of the terlits in the resident's poopers.

The dining room would become the kitchen with a huge work island but, unfortunately, it appears that the fireplace that graced one end of the dining room of the original plan was sacrificed in the service of a more logical floor plan. At the front of the apartment, in what was the master suite, the new plan calls for a formal dining room which opens through French doors to an impossibly thin Juliet balcony and and a library which also opens to the Juliet balcony through French doors as well as to the large terrace located off the front side of the living room…the one with the fab Doric portico situation.

The recommended plan calls for the master suite to be moved upstairs into the solarium space, which would certainly provide much more privacy for the Lord and Lady of the house who must might need a some time away from the kiddies at the end of the day. The new master suite would include a somewhat modest bed chamber–which is just fine with Your Mama who does not like to sleep in a room the size of a damn airplane hanger, a linear bathroom with separate tub and shower, natch, a separate but unfortunately windowless cube for the terlit, and dual dressing rooms large enough to please a shoe queen like Miz Mellon and most clothes horses.

Whoever drew up the recommended plan wisely allowed for a large stair landing on the second floor that gives easy access to two of the three massive terraces that surround the new master suite. Tucked into niche just outside one of the doors from the landing to the terrace is an exterior staircase that climbs up to the penthouse's last and final terrace. Your Mama shudders and sweats at just the thought of the spine tingling cost to landscape and maintain all 5,290 square feet of these urban terraces, which would sure require at least two well formed and shirtless landscapers prune, water and look nine kinds of sexy at least 3 or maybe 4 days a week. At least.

An admittedly not particlularly thorough search of property records did not turn up any other stateside properties owned by Miz Mellon. However, it certainly would not be shocking if she owned additional properties around New York City, like in the Hamptons, and it would be even less surprising if she did not own a place in her native London.

As mentioned in Part Uno of our dissertation on The Carhart Mansion, the ginourmous doo-plex owned by corrugated cardboard king Dennis Mehiel and his wife Karen is currently on the market with a sky high asking price of $29,500,000. Only time will tell what amount a buyer will be willing to pay, but if Your Mama were the betting type, we'd ante up our mean ol' pussy Sugar that the new owner(s) will be equally as financially impressive but, and here's the hitch, foreign. It's the perfect pad for a Russian billionaire's New York City pied a terre. Are you listening Roman Abramovich? Have you looked at this? It might be a nice addition to your prodigious and growing portfolio of outrageously expensive properties.

photos and floor plans: Brown Harris Stevens, Street Easy, Corcoran

George Lindeman Junior Lists Art Filled Mansion in Miami

SELLER: George Lindemann Jr.
LOCATION: Sunset Island, Miami Beach, FL
PRICE: $29,900,750
SIZE: 11,388 square feet, 7 bedrooms, 7.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: This historically significant waterfront property designed by Maurice Fatio encompasses 70,886 SF of land on which rests approx 11,388 SF breathtaking, Neoclassic home w/ a contemporary feel. The home sits on a tip lot on Sunset Island. From there, sweeping bay views & color-soaked sunsets provide a dazzling backdrop to this crown jewel, aptly named, La Tranquilla. An Olympic-sized pool blends effortlessly into the verdant & well-manicured surroundings of this tropical haven spanning 1.63 acres.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Your Mama suggests the children get right up, grab a nice big cup of coffee, spike it with whatever makes yer head spin and settle in for the long haul because we won't be getting to the meat of this real estate matter for quite some time.

George Lindemann, Sr., one of the United States' wealthier citizens, made tens of millions developing the first permanent-wear soft contact lens and later made well over a billion bucks selling a nascent cellular technology concern to the Bell Atlantic Corporation. Currently, Mister Lindemann is chairman of the board, president and CEO of the Southern Union Company, the largest natural gas pipeline company in the United States. Mister Lindemann is said to own as much as 10% of that company and, additionally, a significant stake in Verizon and a whole mess of Spanish language radio stations too. The Lindemanns, George Senior and his wife Dr. Frayda Lindemann, are major philanthropists, patrons of the arts and regulars on the upper crust party and charity circuit in New York, Palm Beach and beyond. Together they have three adult children: Adam, Sloan and George Jr.

Now that we know who the primary players are in our little game of real estate what's what, we're going to present an admittedly incomplete run down of the very fancy residential real estate holdings and transactions of the Lindemann family because, let's be honest, it's always fun and exciting to whittle away an hour or two looking at and marveling over how wildly, filthy, stinking rich people live.

George Senior and Dr. Frayda, who happen to be besties with fallen financier Walter Noel and his well kept wife Monica, famously sold their ocean front mansion on Blossom Way in Palm Beach in June of 2008 for a heart stopping $68,500,000. The buyer is widely reported to be Venezuelan big living banker and polo pasha Victor Vargas. The elder Lindemanns, who are based in Greenwich, CT, decamped to a smaller but still huge ocean front mansion father north in Palm Beach, which they bought in September of 2008 for $23,500,000 and hired high class architect Peter Marino to work over.

In 1986, according to property records, Mister and Missus Dr. Lindemann purchased a townhouse on swank but staid Sutton Place in New York City that once was owned by Aristotle Onassis. They sold the house a few years later for $8,375,000 and, unfortunately, Your Mama loses all track of their New York City real estate trail right then and there. However, Your Mama is hard pressed to believed these two luxe-livers haven't since bought themselves a pricey and posh apartment in one of the better buildings on Park or Fifth Avenue.

Anyhoo, since at least mid 1980s, according to property records, the Lindemann family seat has been a 9+ acre water front estate on Indian Field Road in Greenwich, CT. In addition a waterside swimming pool, tennis court, private beach, guest house and acres of lush landscaping, there is, according to property records, a very dignified 12,639 square foot, 12 bedroom Tudor-style mansion that would make a robber baron weep. As best as we can tell from peeping and poking around property records, the stately estate is now in the name of Sloan Lindemann, however we're pretty sure it's still occupied by the elder Lindemanns. Anyone? Bueller? Bueller?

Speaking of Sloan...In the late 1990s, she and her investment banker/natural health-care and housecleaning products pushing huzband Roger Barnett lived in Manhattan at 550 Park Avenue in a 4,500 sq. ft. sprawler with 12 rooms. In late 2000, they traded up to a 33-foot wide, 5-floor Georgian style mansion on East 69th Street that records show they picked up for $11,050,000. At the time Mister and Missus Barnett bought the townhouse, according to a report from the time, the 1881 structure had a marble foyer, library, a full width living room, a dining room with 14 foot ceilings, two single bedrooms and three two-bedroom suites that shared 5 poopers and, natch, staff quarters. There were–and perhaps still are–separate passenger and staff elevators because, apparently, people with more money than the damn Pope don't always like sharing elevators with the help. Our research turned up multiple reports that stated the interiors were done up and did over by architect Peter Marino who–as we mentioned earlier–has had a hand in several homes of Sloan's folks. Back in mid-2007 there were rumors running around the upper crust real estate circles that Mister and Missus Barnett were quietly shopping their townhouse around for somewhere in the neighborhood of $62,000,000,000. It was rumored (and reported) that Mister and Missus Barnett had previously received one offer in the mid-fifty million clam range, but they didn't go for it. Silly rabbits.

In early 2005, after selling their ocean front weekend house at the bottom of Squabble Lane in Southampton, NY to pet product tycoon Leonard Hartz for $20,000,000, the Sloan and Roger Barnetts packed up and headed west where they bought a massive mansion in San Francisco from Ingrid and Reuben Hills of the Hills Brothers coffee fortune. According to previous reports and property records, the 1931 built manse, situated on a particularly peacocky block of nabobish Broadway Street, measures 11,455 square feet and includes 9 bedrooms, 9 or more poopers, a central courtyard and panoramic views encompassing the Golden Gate Bridge and Alcatraz Island. The purchase price is unknown but the hoity-toity house was last listed at a staggering $29,500,000. It had been listed, the children might get a kick out of knowing, as high as $45,000,000. To give the children a feel for the sort of west coast neighborhood the east coast Barnetts landed, their nearby neighbors include billionaire Larry Ellison, oil rich socialites Ann and Gordon Getty, Levi Strauss heir Peter Haas, and dashing writer and tech entrepreneur Trevor Traina–whose father was once married to prolific romance writer Danielle Steel–and his stunning wife Alexis. As best as Your Mama can tell from property records and previous reports, the Barnetts live primarily at their San Francisco mansion but continue to maintain their Manhattan townhouse, but don't nobody quote us on that because we really don't know nuthin' from a nutcracker.

Sloan's brother Adam Lindemann, a heavy hitting New York City-based contemporary art collector, used to live in a 10th floor spread at 730 Park Avenue when he was married to his first wife, socialite Elizabeth Graham. That is, until they went splitsville in the early naughts. The formerly happy couple also owned a 4.62 acre, 5 bedroom and 4 pooper property on North Street in Greenwich, CT they sold in September of 2001 for $3,583,000 as well as another house on Fords Lane in quietly ritzy Rye, NY that was sold in October of 2002 for $10,500,000. Ex-Missus Lindemann sold the 5 bedroom and 5.5 pooper co-operative apartment at 730 Park Avenue post-dee-vorce, in June 2006, for $21,500,000 and moved her things just one floor down into an 11-room bacherlorette pad at 730 she bought in August of 2006 for $10,500,000.

In 2006, Mister Lindemann remarried former gallerist Amalia Dayan, who herself has a rather impressive family pedigree. For a time they lived in an art-filled apartment at the Time Warner Center surrounded by high priced and high profile pieces by big fish artists like Jack Pierson, Glenn Brown, Damien Hirst, and Jeff Koons. One of the bedrooms in the high-floor condo, shared by two of Mister Lindemann's three daughters from his first marriage, was wrapped in wallpaper by Japanese super star Takashi Murakami. The art consuming couple have traded that apartment in–or soon will be–for a David Adjaye designed carriage house on East 77th Street that record show Mister Lindemann bought in May of 2004 for $6,750,000. On weekends, Mister and second Missus Lindemann either head up to the Catskills where they own a mock-Tudor done over with the assistance of artist Richard Woods–which means it's probably an extravaganza of faux bois–or they head out east to Montauk where property records show that in December of 2007 Mister Lindemann spent $15,000,000 on a 3.31 acre bluff top and ocean front property with a sizable shingled cottage built in the 1970s, which they also had David Adjaye do over.

Now then, let's get to the man of the hour, George Lindemann Jr., whose unfortunate claim to fame is that in the late 1990s he did some time in the pokey after he was convicted of insurance fraud related to hiring some thug to electrocute one of his show horses in order to collect a quarter of a million clams in insurance money. After being sprung from the big house, Mister Lindemann re-created himself from a horseman into a philanthropist and voracious contemporary art collector based in Miami, FL. Thanks to Mimi MiamiBeach we've learned that the former felon has put his historic, art-filled Miami Beach mansion on the market with a toe curling $29,900,750 asking price. If that number doesn't cause the children to bust out in a case of hives, maybe the bank account draining $210,269 in annual taxes and $15,000 per year homeowner association fees will.

Public property records on George Junior's Sunset Island estate are a wee bit confusing and convoluted, as they often can be when dealing with billionaire families who have co-mingling financial interests in family businesses and trusts. According to one of our interweb sources, George Junior purchased the property through a trust in June of 2000 for $8,425,000. In 2004, the property was transferred from the trust directly to George Jr. and his mother Dr. Frayda. At some point between 2004 and 2008, George Senior and sister Sloan were added on the records and in early 2008 the property was again transferred from that group of Lindemanns directly to an eponymous trust controlled by George Junior.

Listing information shows the simply but meticulously manicured 1.63 acre lot claims 453 feet of water front and hosts a 1936 Neoclassical beauty designed by famed high society architect Maurice Fatio. According to listing information, the sprawling single story concrete block stucco residence, called La Tranquilla, measures 11,388 square feet with 7 bedrooms and 7.5 poopers. At the front, an electronic gate opens to a large circular drive. The driveway leads around one side of the house to a small motor court and 3-car garage and on the other side, a path from the driveway leads around the house to the water where there is private dockage. A vast, piazza like patio stretches between the two wings at the back of the house and a rectangular, Olympic length swimming pool and spa extends from the back of the house towards the water.

The "W" shaped concrete stucco built residence retains its original character on the exterior and every convenience and modern amenity has been added to the beautifully proportioned interior. However, as lovely as the house may be, it's a wee bit difficult for Your Mama to look past all that blue chip contemporary art that is practically bursting out through the arched French doors and black shuttered windows. Just a few of the notable artists Your Mama recognizes around the house include Fred Tomaselli, John Currin, Anish Kapoor, Keith Haring, Matthew Ritchie, Marc Newsom, Raqib Shaw, Shiro Kuramata, and Wendell Castle just to name a few. Your Mama encourages the children to call out any other big–or not so big–name artists represented in George Junior's undeniably impressive collection.

Given that George Junior is shoulder deep in the Miami art scene and a major player in the city's fun in the sun Art Basel Miami Beach, Your Mama would not bet our long bodied bitches Linda and Beverly that he'll be leaving the area. But then again, what do we know? If we've said it once we've said a thousand and one times, who are we to understand the real estate ways of the ridiculously rich?

George Junior's name–plus that of another Lindemann–also appears on the records a Miami Beach condominium at theIl Villagio complex on Ocean Drive that was purchased in April of 2006 for $2,950,000. In July of 2009, records also reveal, George Junior spent an undisclosed but, based on mortgage information, enormous amount of money on an 11,113 square foot house in Aspen, CO.

Ain't life sweet for the children of billionaires?

A Wee Bit 'o the Mish Mash

Due to circumstances beyond our control, including the harried holiday season and a week of meetings and other unavoidable bothers, Your Mama has gotten all kinds of behind. But we do have a couple of celebrity real estate bits and morsels for the children to chew on this morning.

1.
Financially embattled and real estate laden actor Nic Cage has sold a house high in the Hollywood Hills that Your Mama did not even know he owned. According to Mister Big Time and confirmed with property records, Mister Cage took in $1,375,000 for a 2 bedroom and 3 pooper property that was purchased by his real estate trust in September of 2005 for $1,800,000.

A few flicks of the well worn beads on our bejeweled abacus shows that, at best, Mister Cage took a heavy $425,000 hit on the transaction not counting any carrying costs and real estate fees.

Located down a private a drive high above Beachwood Canyon and just a few curves and swerves down the Mulholland Highway from Madonna's old castle–now owned by commercial director Joe Pytka and listed with an asking price of $9,995,000–the 3,480 square foot contemporary was built in 1964 and includes terrazzo floors, a white rock fireplace in the living room, huge glass sliding doors that open the upper floor to the outdoors and panoramic city views that include the Hollywood sign, downtown and on a clear day, all the way to the Pacific Ocean. The small but flat backyard has a classic kidney shaped swimming pool with a rock waterfall.

One more down and another 6 or 8 properties to go for Mister Cage whose great real estate sell off has been well documented, discussed and publicized over the last six or eight months.

2.
Unusually named actor French Stewart and his actress wifey Katherine LaNasa have listed their Los Angeles home with an asking price of $4,195,000. Listen chickens, these two might not be household names and y'all may be sitting there with your brows all furrowed up saying, "Who are these people?" but Mister and Missus French–nee LaNasa–are often working actors which makes them 10 times more successful than most people in Tinseltown.

For better or worse, Mister Stewart is probably best known for his role as a hair-brained half-wit alien on the late 1990s sitcom 3rd Rock From the Sun opposite genius co-stars John Lithgow, Kristen Johnston and Jane Curtain. Unbeknownst to Your Mama and probably most of the children, Mister Stewart has been a very bizzy beaver since that program was canceled in 2001 appearing in a long list of tee-vee programs including Ally McBeal, God, the Devil and Bob, Less Than Perfect, Misconception, Bones, Pushing Daisies and many others. According to his resume on the IMDB, Mister Stewart also has roles in the upcoming tee-vee series The Horrible Terrible Misadventures of David Atkins as well as parts in four films which may or may not explain why he and the wifey have listed their house for sale

If Your Mama is being honest, and we always are, we have never even heard of Missus French–nee LaNasa–but according to her resume on the IMDB she too has fried up a lot of television fish with recurring roles on Three Sisters, The Guardian, Miss Match, Judging Amy, Love Monkey, Justice, and 12 Miles of Bad Road. Missus French–nee LaNasa–will soon appear on the next season of Big Love, if the executives at the HBO ever get around to airing the damn thing.

Anyhoo, property records show that Mister and Missus Stewart picked up their traditional, 4,040 square foot white brick colonial just above the Sunset Strip in October of 2000 for $1,919,000. Listing information indicates the house includes 4 bedrooms and 5 modern marble accented bathrooms as well as a huge drawing room with a fireplace, dining room, a well-equipped eat in kitchen with a eyeball spinning black and white checkered floor, den, family room, and office. Three of the bedrooms and two of the poopers–including the master bedroom and pooper–are located on the second floor while a fourth bedroom and three more poopers are located on the ground floor.

The grounds includes a hedged in front yard, a grassy back yard with a fountain, a large motor court and a rectangular pool with chamfered corners surrounded by lush foliage and a brick terrace.

The day-core at Mister and Missus Stewart's Doheny Drive digs leans towards a cozy and pleasantly eclectic pastiche that Your Mama might describe as Pottery Barn goes to Indonesia with a hint of Hollywood glam with a lot of white slip covered furniture set against brightly patterned rugs and chestnut colored wood floors, contemporary color field paintings, crystal chandeliers, rustic and distressed wood pieces, sisal carpeting and mixed and matched Batik fabrics.

Unfortunately that's all we have time for this morning so we're gonna let the children chew on this and give their own twenty-two cents about Mister Cage's real estate travails and Mister and Missus Stewart's day-core.